calamity

nearly one year ago, you were my bright star in a dark night sky. from the moment we began, i knew there were sparks running between us, and i was ready to build upon them. i wanted to see how much of the world we could conquer together, to experience my life with you by my side, and i was so close to grasping that dream. but then, nine months ago, you burned out and left me alone with nothing besides the darkness. no goodbye, no explanation, not a single word. it ruined me, made me go insane, because i was baffled as to how i could possibly be the only one feelings those feelings. there was no way in this world that it wasn’t reciprocated. finally, i just accepted the fact that i was wrong, and that whatever sparks were electrocuting my soul were delusions. i was delusional. i hated myself for so long for thinking such a blasphemous possibility. how could i be so naive?

nine months later, you finally manned up and admitted your faults. you messaged me an apology that tore my heart up into pieces and shredded those pieces into oblivion. it was supposed to be closure, but it also reopened the wound i so diligently spent the past year sewing up with nothing but the threads of time. everything began to hurt again, because now i finally know that i wasn’t crazy. it was as real as i thought it was.

you ran from the perfect world we built in those few months because it was starting to become too real for you. you gave up on us so fast, without even giving it a chance. how you could’ve done that baffles me beyond comprehension. i wasn’t the only one that felt those feelings, you did too, but you passed up on the opportunity to chase it. sound familiar? the first time we ever met, i said i had a good feeling about you. remember what you said to that? you said that we should chase that feeling. in the end, i guess i was only chasing empty promises.

i discovered that i wasn’t the only one that was haunted by my past. you revealed to me that i ran through your mind constantly like you did mine, and that shook me to my core. i thought i was the only one replaying memories of us, constantly imagining scenarios that could’ve been reality if things had been different. if you hadn’t done what you did. we ruined each other, but in vastly different ways.

you knew that i was already going through a rough patch when you decided to kick up your roots and leave. the roots you had already let grow so deep into my soul. the roots that i let foster into my earth. you fucking knew that close friends of mine were dropping out of my life left and right, and you still decided to become one of them. that’s something i’m never going to be able to fully forgive. you knew, and you still did.

“I often wonder what it’d be like under different circumstances where I was a bigger person. That’s the world I wish I was in, I’m sorry that it’s not”

this is the part of your message that hurt me the most. it hurt me because i felt the same way you did, once upon a time. it hurt me because it validated the fact that you know what you’ve lost, and you’re hurting too because of your own mistake. it hurt because not too long ago, i wrote a blog post that ended in almost the exact same way. i guess we really are the same person. it hurt because we both know that it’s a fantasy, and the world we wish we were in is a world we’ll never be able to experience in our lifetimes.

your apology did so much more for me than simple closure. while it did help me lay my unease to rest, it also opened up an array of mixed emotions that i wasn’t able to access beforehand. a deeper, far more intricate level of heartbreak. learning the new information that you gave me has managed to simultaneously heal me and break me all over again.

nine months of being locked in a closet of uncertainty was punishment enough. you finally found the key, and set me free. i’m no longer burdened by the unknown. for that, i thank you.

and i forgive you. you did the unthinkable, you managed to wreck me in a way nobody else ever had in my entire existence. you fucked up and you know you did. but along my path to recovery, i learned and adopted a simple mindset. i stopped holding grudges, because as an already highly neurotic individual, being unforgiving exceeds the capacity of negative emotions that i can handle. not to say that you didn’t do a really, really shitty thing, but rather i can be at peace with your mistake now that i know you acknowledge your fault.

but today, i sit here writing this, and thinking about all of the possibilities you have opened up. we will never be anything more than or equal to what we once were, because it would be a massive betrayal to my own morals. but there is the option of a fresh start and a clean slate. maybe a friendship. to be staples in each others lives as support systems. this doesn’t have to be the last time i ever speak to you again. it’s just a question of whether i want that or not. something i have to answer with my own heart and mind. nobody can help me make this decision, because it’s far too important to let others sway my decision.

i sit and write this with the knowledge that i missed out on a connection that could’ve expanded and became something that could’ve made me whole. we both wanted that, but we were on different wavelengths the entire time. there was static noise that altered our frequencies, and it was the universe telling us that it wasn’t our time. but now that you’re back, the universe could be saying the opposite. there are so many things that the universe has done to show me that you are someone in my life that has fixated itself semi-permanently upon me.

i sit and write this knowing that i have so, so much more to think about. i sit knowing that i’m about to begin another journey of healing and self discovery, but this time, a different process. i have already experienced enough pain from such a journey, and this is the final, big step. i’m almost there. i’m side by side with nirvana and i just need the stormclouds to clear so i can see the peace i deserve. what the peace entails, however, remains a mystery to me for now. it could be a life with or without you in it.

either way, i lose. i played the game and fell in a loop of losing no matter my move.

–

E.L.