introspection | noun | in·tro·spec·tion
there are eighteen more days of 2017.
given that fact, i’ve delved deeper into my thoughts, trying to make sense of this past year and how i’ve evolved, devolved, loved, loathed, aspired, inspired, learned, lost, become, and lingered.
this year, i became me.
in my past eighteen years of life, the most change has occurred this year than ever before. i graduated high school, made numerous friends, lost numerous friends, began my journey of higher education, and had those closest to me move away to begin their own new journeys. it was a year of continuous change, and with this flux came a change in my own self.
i became me, and i finally broke out of my shell.
many people came into my life this year, showing me love, heartbreak, compassion, true friendship, and maybe just a little bit of fun. though i still consider myself introverted at times, my extraversion grew exponentially. this i attribute to my friends, who i have developed stronger bonds with, and who allowed me to discover my inner self and set it free for all to see. to the friends that i lost, i let them go with either ferocious contempt, or with a gentle nudge like a paper sailboat into a lake. though they are no longer a part of my life, i will never regret their presence.
this year, i explored.
this means a lot of things. i went different places, saw different things, met different people, tried different things, and said different words. i dipped my fingers into a little bit of everything, opening my perspective and widening my mindset.
halfway through the year, after graduation and without all of the high school pressure that held me down, i became a different person. i said to myself,
“fuck it.”
i got high for the first time, and i won’t lie, i liked it. i went on a date with a tinder boy, and it didn’t end well. i stayed out until 2, 3 a.m. with my friends a lot, fucking around and doing stupid shit. i ditched classes to sleep in. i met another boy off tinder, and we developed a relationship between friendship and a little more than that. i got drunk for the first time. that didn’t end well either, but i don’t regret it, because it was a learning experience. everything i’ve done this year, i’ve done for the sake of exploration. i mean, why not?
and though i’ve changed as a person, doing different things that would’ve made me say “there’s no way i would ever do that” at the beginning of 2017, i am still the same in some sense. my morals are still the same. some of the stuff i’ve done has broadened my perspective on the world, and that is my greatest pride. i am more open, less judgmental, and i couldn’t have had that without these experiences.
this year, i was tested.
my interpersonal relationships were tested with the extreme hardships that were thrown in my direction like asteroids bombarding the surface of a planet. friendships lingered in uncertainty for a while, tensions were high, but i came out strong. my actions allowed me to learn from the greatest adversity i could’ve ever imagined.
my familial bonds have always been strong, but turning 18 and becoming a legal adult strained some aspects of my relationship with my parents. they disagree with some things i firmly believe in, and having a taste of adulthood made me break away from what can only be described as informal control executed by my parents. i am no longer the child that i was under their umbrella of parenthood, and they have difficulty realizing that. the minimal tensions that are between us is because of this fact, but nonetheless, as family, we are the strongest bond that will never ever change.
about halfway through the year, i finally let go of a toxic friendship that had been interfering with my happiness for many months. i am so much happier today without the constant and incessant stress of being good enough and the absolutely inconsiderate behaviors by the other party that were affecting me tremendously, and do not regret it whatsoever. i have no hard feelings against this person, and view this drastic change as just a simple parting of ways where two childhood friends grow apart due to factors beyond our control.
this year, i learned.
my search for knowledge expanded with great brevity, and i was welcomed into the world of high level education with such intensity that it honestly knocked me off my feet. the world opened up before me, pouring new information into my hands and sinking into my skin, my body lapping up these truths eagerly. i never could’ve dreamed of how large the world is, and it made me realize how much more there is to learn about the universe. high school trained us to robotically learn facts, but college is teaching me that there is so much more to learning than just that.
i am humbled by this, and continue to search eagerly for more knowledge.
this year, i was loved.
when i began my retail job at the boulder marshalls on june 1st, 2016, my life changed for only the better. this has only continued on an upward trend throughout 2017.
i have met some of the most compassionate, incredible, hilarious, unique, and critical people from this job. this year, these bonds only grew stronger, along with my respect for each and every one of them. i walk into work and am greeted warmly by all these individuals with different backgrounds, each with a vibrant personality that resembles their own individual imprint upon my life. some come and go, never to be seen or heard from again, but the others remain constant.
the bottom line: these people make me feel loved.
there is no way for words to describe how appreciative i am for the people who are in my life because of the fact that we share a place of employment.
my coworkers are my second family.
the world became a different place for me this year. instead of tunnel visioning my way through my life, i am now exploring my surroundings with a newfound sense of openness and with only a humbled perspective, attributed to many different factors. 2017 was a year of exploration for me, and as a intrinsic wanderer, my desire to expand was satiated in an immense and truly unimaginable way.
this year, i became me.
thank you, 2017.
–
E.L.
The Enigmatic Catharsis of an Idiosyncratic Girl 