submersion

i thought, for the longest time, that you were just going to be a memory. after the storm, i shelved the memories of you away, leaving them in the restricted section that’s buried at the back of my mind. i began to recover, and once i did after those treacherous nine months, you crashed into me at full speed. completely unexpected. whiplash threw me off track and i found myself lost, yet again. you brought a whole sleigh of new emotions with you, delivering them to me like Santa does to a child on Christmas Eve.

the problem is, i never wanted it. i never wanted you back.

i was perfectly happy with the life i was living without you, and if you asked me two months ago how i felt about you, you’d receive an answer complete with indifference, a little bit of antipathy and a little bit of hurt. the hurt never went away, but the pain that felt like a thousand knives gutting me and bleeding me dry was gone. it was just the pain from your absence, from the remnants of you.

if you ask me how i feel about you today, i would be at a loss for words. it wouldn’t be indifference, it wouldn’t be antipathy, but rather you would find me at a crossroads. a disorienting dilemma that has caused me to question the entirety of our history. everything is different now.

everything would’ve been so much easier if i was forever under the impression that i never, ever meant anything to you. for nine months, i thought i was crazy about someone who thought of me as a game. the thrill of the chase. then, you got bored of me and left without a single explanation. that was my reality for nine months. what that did to me was make me question my very own sanity as a human being. if what we had wasn’t real, then what is real? in the end, who would’ve ever been able to guess that i am so, absolutely, incredibly wrong about that? that i had the same effect on you as you did me? that we still cross each others minds, that even after almost a year of radio silence, we are still in each other’s lives.

you have completely immersed yourself in my thoughts. i’m thinking about you even more now, more than ever before. your words weigh me down, they’ve unlocked a whole new level of heartbreak i never knew existed. a deeper, less superficial version. a new kind of heartbreak that stems from realizing how much we both care about each other, but being at a loss for what the next step is. there is an invisible barrier between us and we can’t seem to figure out how to break it down.

i know until i’m able to face you in person, the unknown is vast. the space between us is suffocating. there is so much that is still there, but we don’t know what to do with it.

i guess like most other things, only time will be able to tell the outcome of us. for now, however, i am submerged by the very thought of you.

 

–

E.L.