junkie

there’s something about you that keeps me up at night.

it’s a force of nature that can’t describe, or even really comprehend fully. the things you do to me psychologically make no sense to me, yet at the same time it all feels so right, like it was always meant to be like this. it’s almost like your very existence awakens the insomniac within me, longing for more and more of you. your words break the barriers and flood my system with oxytocin to the point where i can’t think straight. you have that bare effect on me. you enchant me. stimulate me. you thrill me, and every single time i talk to you i can feel the endorphins rush through my veins like i just completed an intense workout. the adrenaline you bring me is simply remarkable. you’re a drug to me. i’m addicted to you. i want to forever be under the influence of you. i don’t ever want to quit you.

i’m a junkie, but only for you.

cosmic

october 6, 2018, 3:18 p.m. | on the bus, passing by [his location]

what you do to me is cosmic.

i’m sitting here in this bus seat, watching these orange and yellow leaves fly off the branches as i pass the bundles of fall-colored trees. the trees outside of your apartment are so beautiful. through this whirlwind of color, all i can think about is you. i’m so close, yet light years away from you.

there’s a certain depth to your effect on me, one that’s scarred me permanently. it’s weird, because i’ve never experienced this feeling before. you’re the first. the first of many things for me. you’re responsible for this single, fundamental revelation in me. its importance can’t ever be overlooked.

there’s something about your words and the way you speak them to me. they hold a raw and uncensored honesty, like each syllable comes from a part of you that only i see. though i feel you vulnerable near me, you’re still guarded, like frosted glass. i see your silhouette through it. i feel you moving behind it. and when you speak across that glass, i hear you clearly, but your voice is distorted. i’ve already broken down your walls, but there’s still more to you, and i know it. i want to see it all. i’m searching for the tool that will break this glass, because i want to know you like nobody ever has. will you help me find that tool?

there’s a primal energy between us. we’re dancing a dangerous tango, perfecting our clever footwork and always challenging each other to the next move. we’re walking on eggshells, and we need to pay close attention to our footsteps. one wrong stride, and we’ll be broken all over again. we don’t want that. we’ve already built a bond that’s so fragile, i don’t think it could withstand another downfall. i’m risking my heart and putting everything on the line for you, for this. i have so much faith in the fact that you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me again. this is a sacrifice i’m taking, and i’m taking it for you.

–

E.L.

smog

uncertainty has been clouding the air in my life for nine months, preventing me from seeing clearly, from seeing  the path i’m to travel down. within the next two days, the smog should clear, and i should see the light. the light of a life with or without you. hopefully this time, the decision is final and the uncertainty should disappear for good. hopefully i won’t suffer anymore. i know that i will suffer temporarily, because i can’t win with you. i lose either way. but hopefully, our fate will be decided upon, and we can put the past to rest.

i’m scared. i’m really, really scared. there’s a deep pit in my stomach that i can’t get rid of. i’m scared of the uncertainty, and i’m scared because the last time i ever looked into your eyes was ten months ago. i’m scared that i don’t know who you are anymore, i’m scared that i am completely unaware of what’s going to happen.

two days.

until then, you’ll remain the only thing that i can think about, lingering in my mind as i attempt to keep the rest of the components of my life in check.

despite being scared of the fact that i don’t know who you are anymore, some things never change. you’ve always known how to derail me.

you, me, and the unknown

you’ve always known how to turn my world upside down. you have no problem tipping it over and emptying all the contents of my life onto the floor in front of me, leaving me to clean up the mess you made. leaving me to sort through the pieces of the devastation, trying to find some kind of true meaning behind your actions. you have the ability of a thousand asteroids on me, crashing into my soul and infiltrating it with ease. every word you say to me has the effect of a thousand more. every emotion when felt with you is felt by tenfold.

the first message was bad enough. it already had the ability to shatter my fragile heart after the initial heartbreak, and just when i thought the worst was over, you barge in yet again and prove me wrong. the second message was calamitous. the second was written with such raw, profound emotion that any and all of my previous suspicions of your feelings being fabricated for some ulterior motive were washed away immediately. there is no ambiguity anymore. the fog has parted and i can see you at the end of the path.

the first wasn’t enough, and the closure that it was supposed to bring only pushed opened the door further. now, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. a crevice of mixed emotions between two people who inexplicably managed to ruin each other beyond comprehension without knowing it. a tangible tension pollutes the air, thick and oppressive, uncertain yet certain at the same time. you are a solace in my life while simultaneously being the demon in my nightmares. how that can be is a mystery to me, but it is simply a truth that cannot be hidden.

in a short time from now, i will be face to face with you. i’ll be able to look into your eyes again and see the universe i always saw in them, something i thought i’d never do again. it petrifies me, because your presence might break down my walls. by willingly allowing myself to be in the same space as you, i am so incredibly vulnerable, susceptible to the darkest and most intimate of emotions.

the gray area has spread to cover all of the space between us. there is no black and white, no right or wrong. it’s gray because there is no telling how dangerous seeing each other for the first time in nine months is. it is unknown. as we all know, the unknown is to be feared.

 

–

E.L.

the remnants of you

there are people in this world that will leave a permanent impression upon your life. they will change you in ways you never could’ve imagined, they will make you feel new feelings that you never knew existed, they will plant themselves into your soul and their roots will never disappear from your soil. without a doubt, there is a person in this world that is capable of dealing such catastrophe to your existence.

for me, that person was him. 

i’m only 19; i had absolutely no idea that he would turn my world upside down. i never intended on letting him be that person, but i would quickly learn to realize that it’s not my decision to make. it’ll never be your decision to make. we can’t pick and choose who gets to affect us to this degree; that’s what makes us so vulnerable. these kinds of people tend to walk into your existence by accident, and you don’t realize just how crucial they are to your human experience until they set off a cosmic explosion in your stars. they form a galaxy in your universe, and then in just a blink of an eye, everything is different.

they may stay, they may drift, they may leave, but their impression won’t budge. it stays pressed into your being, delicately altering your chemistry. they are someone completely and utterly unique, and you will feel it in your gut. everything will feel like a dream when you are with them. it’s utter bliss, completely serene.

if you’re lucky, these people will never leave. they will burn bright and give you the light you need to flourish. but some of us are not that lucky, unfortunately, and we have to learn to deal with the absence of them. i was one of the unlucky ones. when he left, i wilted and decomposed, drifting among the unknown. he’s gone, and when given the opportunity to reconnect, i chose to never let him in again. it was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

but you have to trust your gut, and trust the world, because you have to have faith that there are others like him in this world like him. maybe not just like him, but just enough like him to cause another big bang. it’s blind instinct and pure risk.

even though he’s gone, shards of his words are cemented into my heart and flashes of the feelings he gave me pulse across my veins. he still affects me in inexplicable ways, nearly a year later.

there are remnants of him in my soul, and there always will be.

–

E.L.

your absence

used to haunt me. there wasn’t a day where the sun rose and set without your name, your face, your voice crossing my mind, lingering, until it was swept away in the wake of other thoughts. i would dream about you, about us together, and i would always wake up in a daze. i’d lay in bed, dumbfounded, even sad sometimes. those are the days that i would scroll through our old texts and bittersweetly reminisce on the days where you were a tangible part of my life. i didn’t understand it, i didn’t understand why, or what, and it’s simply a given that i won’t ever understand.

i think i’ve figured out how these types of things aren’t meant to be understood, but rather just accepted. i didn’t want to accept the fact that we weren’t meant to be. i didn’t want to accept the fact that i wasn’t ever going to see your smile again, or hear your laugh, or feel your touch. i didn’t want to accept the truth about how you simply weren’t ever going to be mine, no matter how desperately i wanted that to be the truth. i was living in a twisted fantasy, telling myself that this wasn’t, this couldn’t, this wouldn’t be the way that we ended. but i suppose that was just me in my denial stage. in the process of breaking free from your chains and running away from your shadow, i let you go.

you were a once-in-a-lifetime somebody that i’ll never be able to replace. i know for a fact that there isn’t anyone in this world that is just like you. for a moment, we were sparks in a fire, and we could’ve conquered the world if we wanted to. i’m certain of it. there was something there, and we both felt it. but before we could preserve it, it slipped away, never to be found again.

our time was short, too short; but it is what it is. i miss you, and i won’t ever stop missing you. maybe in another life, it would’ve been different.

i just wish it was in this life.

everlasting flux

we glide through our lives in a blur, blissfully ignorant to the fact that we’re passing by valuable memories without appreciating them for their worth. we are unaware of the fact that each and every second that we experience is unique to itself, and virtually impossible to re-create. though we are conscious beings, we seem to live in the unconscious; unaware of the fact that there are all of these precious moments all around us, all the time. we never realize just how much we should value these moments as we live through them, until they’re gone; it only becomes a conscious thought when we reminisce by looking at old photos and reading through old text messages, and it’s only then when we truly appreciate the high points in our lives like we should. like the sand in an hourglass running out, we let these memories slip out of our reach, and the sadness of the bitter reality hits us like a train wreck. but it’s only after the fact; it’s too late when we look in the past. all we can do now is wish for more memories like such to come our way, and to hope that we truly grasp their meaning before they become nothing but old memories.

 

–

E.L.

Arachnophobia

Picture this: you’re laying on the couch in your living room watching some Game of Thrones, just enjoying life until you see a spider about the size of your finger crawl out from under said couch just about half a foot away from your face. (hint: this actually happened to me) What do you do?

Some would shrug and continue on with their lives. Some would just pick up the remote and smash it to death while eating their popcorn. What did I do? I screamed. Not to mention it was 12 A.M. and half my family was asleep.

I suffer from a serious condition called arachnophobia. I’m deathly afraid of spiders, and when I say deathly, I mean it. The incident where a harmless spider crawled out of sent me into a state of extreme panic and fear. I honestly don’t know why such a tiny thing terrifies me so much, but if I could change the way I think about spiders, I would. Trust me.

When I let my fear of spiders show around most people, they respond with the phrase “it’s just a spider!” I understand that it’s just a harmless house spider and that it won’t harm me, but I’m scared of it. I can’t change that. It’s just an irrational fear, something you and everyone else, has.

It can be a little frustrating when a person makes fun of your genuine fears. Just because you as a person are not affected by a certain thing does not make you entitled to undermine another who is deeply afraid of it. I understand not everyone is afraid of spiders, and it may be silly for some to think that, but it’s a part of my own personal psyche that I have to accept.

In fact, the other night I woke up to various bites all over my legs, and thinking they were merely mosquito bites, I ignored them. The bites were redder and a lot more itchy than any mosquito bite I’ve ever experienced, which was strange. The next morning, whilst cleaning my room, I found a house spider about the size of a quarter in my bed. Coincidence? Definitely not. Days later, I’ve counted 26 spider bites covering my legs from the knees down. I’m now scared to sleep in my bed, and to begin to describe just how traumatizing this was for me would be nearly impossible.

One time in the morning, a spider flew out of my pant leg as I was putting on a pair of jeans. It scurried away just as quickly as I jumped and screamed.

My irrational fear does have some form of logic behind it, as my encounters with the little eight-legged creatures haven’t exactly been pleasant. All I can say is I am extremely afraid of spiders, who have always terrorized me through experienced people don’t usually encounter. The next time you decide to make fun of someone because of something that may seem dumb to you, take a moment to think about the other side of the story.

–

E.L.