XVIII

twenty eighteen. / a look back

–

this year has been a year of learning. lessons from the pain and the heartbreak that i have endured have taught me things about myself that i have come to embrace, and have incited my growth as a human being.

the beginning of the year was a tough one for me. i was coping with the loss of a few important people that had once been a part of my life, and it wasn’t easy. i hadn’t ever experienced such loneliness in my life — from january to april, i was living in a world of constant paranoia, loneliness, and pessimism. i was miserable. i retreated back into my shell that i had just broken out of late last year, and i isolated myself.

thankfully, with the support of a few people that stood by my side, i was able to flourish. when i was able to snap out of my dangerous spiral, i took the pain that i felt and turned it into something that could better myself. i worked harder in school, i went out of my way to meet new people, and i adopted a new outlook on life. my gpa was higher than it has ever been my spring 2018 semester, i joined an academic honor fraternity and met a lot of amazing people who made me feel like i was part of a community, and i finally let go of my demons from the past. i stopped holding grudges, i learned to forgive those that have wronged me in the past, and i started focusing on the things that really mattered.

one of the most important lessons that has come to me this year was that no matter now how absolutely awful life is, it will always get better. the sun doesn’t shine before the clouds clear out. everything that happens to you happens for a reason, and the only thing you can do is make the most out of everything that comes your way. i dwelled on the past for too long, and i let my bitterness consume me to the point where it was unhealthy. once i let go of and forgave those that hurt me, i felt so, so much better. i looked at it as an opportunity to start fresh, and using that energy, i let myself go. that’s not to say that i forgot about the people and things of the past, but i stopped letting those things burden me, and instead learned to appreciate them as a part of my past, which helped me grow into the person i am today.

the lessons i’ve learned from the love that i felt this year are just as powerful as the ones from the hurt. when i fell in love this year, it felt familiar, but it was new and exciting. not only did i experience a new kind of love this year, i truly took the time to appreciate the love that surrounded me during my rough time earlier this year. my family and my closest friends showed me undying dedication and compassion, and i found them always lifting me up when i needed them most. for that, i am eternally thankful. the new love that i encountered later in the year that shocked me to the core is something incredibly powerful and unforgiving. despite the numerous obstacles that stood in our way, we still found ourselves where we are today, somehow defying all odds. i am thankful for you. you know who you are.

this year was full of new experiences and unforgettable memories. i traveled alone for the first time — twice. i fell in love with seattle, the city that i know i will end up living in someday. i checked off an activity that has been on my bucket list for as long as i can remember — i went skydiving in san diego, surrounded by the city, the mountains, and the ocean. i saw all of my favorite musical artists in concert this year. i made numerous new close friends, and i kept in touch with many old ones. i finally got my first tattoo, something i’ve been wanting to do since i was old enough to even know what a tattoo was. i regained my self confidence, and i started feeling happy about myself again. i fell in love this year, and i fell hard. i continued to do well in school, maintaining my gpa and even taking a leap of faith by changing my major after finding my new passion. i started doing more things that helped better my mental and physical health, always paying attention to my own wellbeing and addressing any problems immediately.

the person i am today, on december 23rd, 2018, is a different person than the one on january 1, 2018. my journey of self-love, perseverance, and forgiveness has molded me into a version of myself that i am truly happy with. today, i look back on the past year, and instead of feeling sorrowful from the rough start to the year, i feel as if it’s bittersweet. life goes on, and if you don’t keep up, you aren’t living to your fullest potential.

2019, i am ready for you.

_

E.L.

 

about last night

to the boy i love,

i spent seven hours with you last night. we went to my favorite fast food restaurant, and you suggested it because you know how much i’ve been craving it lately. you know me pretty fucking well. then we went to the mall and wandered aimlessly through the shops with video game and TV show merchandise, joking and talking about everything and anything. i love that i can do that with you, have conversations that go on for such long periods of time over seemingly meaningless or absurd topics. i love how much you intellectually stimulate me, like how you make my mind race, but also how it’s a completely effortless task. i think my quirky sense of humor really peaks when i’m around you, and i love that the weird jokes that i make are able to make you laugh so hard that you squeeze your eyes shut and throw your head back. i love how you look when you laugh like that, completely carefree and utterly amused by my words.

then we saw the shopping cart. then you told me to get in. then, we made fools out of ourselves while you pushed me around the parking lot, laughing about how we’re imitating a feature in the video game fortnite. a couple times, i almost fell out of the cart, but each time you never failed to rush to save me. the looks we got from strangers were worth the ridiculous experience. i love that i can be a complete idiot with you in public, doing the dorkiest things just for our own enjoyment. i love that there’s never a dull moment with you.

then we sat in my car, and we talked about us. we’re complicated. it’s the world against us, but somehow, we’re managing to beat the odds.

i’m sorry i can’t articulate my feelings well. i know it drives you crazy, i know it makes you question the whys and the hows, i know you want me to speak my mind freely when i’m with you. truth be told, it’s hard for me to say some things to you because i don’t know how i’m supposed to say them. these feelings that i have for you are so foreign and cherished to me, i don’t know if words can even do them justice. that’s what i’m afraid of. i’m afraid of the words coming out of my mouth misrepresenting everything i truly feel for you. just know that if you give me time, you’ll know everything. i don’t mean to leave you in the dark, but my feelings for you are the best feelings i’ve ever experienced in my entire lifetime. with everything we’ve been through, that i’ve been through, it’s going to take some patience on your end and some courage on my end. we’ll figure it out someday though, don’t you worry.

when it got cold, you reached over to hug me, your arms wrapping around me so tightly and your cheek pressed against mine. we spent the rest of the night cuddling in my car, despite the setting not being the most ideal for cuddling. you were so uncomfortable the entire time, but you didn’t care, because it made me warmer and more comfortable. i love when you rub little circles or patterns on my arm, my side, my hand, or wherever you’re holding me. i love how you randomly kiss my head and play with my hair. everything you do when you’re holding me means everything to me. i love when you randomly look down at me and that stupid, stupid little grin appears on your face, and then you tell me how pretty i am for the nth time that night. you make me feel so safe, so at ease, and so incredibly happy. the way our night ended only reinforced the feelings we have for each other, fortifying them to the point where they are simply indestructible. we’re past the point of leaving each other again without a fight.

i didn’t want to ever leave your side. when we finally managed to tear our bodies apart from one another, i felt an empty space in my heart. you are a part of me now, i hope you know that.

i went home smelling like you. i couldn’t wipe my own stupid grin off my face the entire drive back. in the past year of knowing you, theres no doubt to me that last night has been my favorite memory so far. i’ll never forget the way you made me feel.

i hope you know that you bring out the best in me. you once told me that i bring out the best in you. i think we were destined to be in each others lives. just weeks ago, we were hanging onto an edge of complete uncertainty. we were at a tipping point, dangerously slipping off of that edge, but somehow, i found myself here. still in your life. you still in mine. so much can change with just time, and i hope you recognize that. you’re so one of a kind, an absolute anomaly in my life, and i know that we’ll beat these odds. i’m ready to tackle them, if you are too.

with all of my heart,

the girl that you love

the aftermath

our start: 09.16.17

our fall: 12.26.17

your return: 08.29.18

our salvation: 09.28.18

our end: 10.24.18

the aftermath: today

---

i fell in love with you. you fell in love with me.

what went wrong?

---

you lost me forever last wednesday night, and i lost you forever last night.

the aftermath of our final fall from grace could not be anymore devastating. we’ve been playing a game of tug of war for the past year, trading off who dominates the higher ground in this beyond complicated relationship. the stakes have elevated higher and higher with each time the victor in the game is reversed, and the consequences have disoriented our hearts and broken our dreams.

we were never on the same wavelength. in the end, we arrived at the same destination, but our timelines have never matched up. i knew from the very start that you would be my one in a million, but it took you far too long to have that epiphany. by the time you got there, ready to accept what’s been in front of you for so long, i was already lightyears away.

the remains of our perfect world are buried behind the burning hot coals of your amateur mistakes, your calamitous lies, my hopeless naïveté, and our ill luck. reaching into the flames to save those remains is too dangerous—though they are alive still, being protected by the warmth of the flames, if we attempt at salvaging them, we would only be burned alive further.

you said that i will forever be your greatest mistake. you had a million chances to capture me, but you missed every single one of those chances. how we were cursed with such misfortune is beyond my comprehension, and i will never understand why the world had to pry us apart with its bloody steel claws.

the aftermath is ugly. we are standing alone in a desolate wasteland, holding onto each other for dear life, despite knowing that it is not the right thing to do. you won’t ever stop longing for me, and i won’t ever stop needing you. together, we are a cataclysm, cannibalizing ourselves as we pursue the most treacherous path in this aftermath.

and yet, i trust myself enough to steer my wits through this jungle of a forbidden us. the aftermath is barren, leaving us as carcasses of who we once were, but i will fight my way through it for you.

–

E.L.

AURIBUS TENEO LUPUM

“ I HOLD A WOLF BY THE EARS ”

---

to hold a wolf by the ears provides an unresolvable challenge. it means that whichever way you choose to handle a particularly difficult situation, you will be faced with a dilemma, one where there is no correct solution. it occurs in a space between a rock and a hard place: the inevitable is that there are hardships to be encountered down both paths.

you are the wolf in my life.

if i am to hold onto your ears after conquering you, i will be left with a void in my life and a dangerous black hole filled with all of the memories we once cherished and shared. if i am to hold onto your ears as a companion, i risk my very own sanity, the durability of my heart, and i make the conscious decision to turn a blind eye to the path that would ultimately lead me to my own wellbeing.

the connection we share is far from superficial. you’ve shown me your soul, entrusted me with your demons, and allowed me to see you at your absolute lowest and at your best. i am the only person in this world that sees you as a whole, rather than just the parts of you that you choose to show the world. i’ve influenced you enough to morph you into a better version of yourself, and i’ve helped shined a light on the things that you need to change to fix your flaws.

i am the best thing that’s ever happened to you. i have given you the whole world, but in return, you have only given me ashes.

the thought of us used to thrill me, exhilarate me beyond my capacity. we were born to excite each other, to keep each other wanting more and more every single passing day, to amaze one another with every word spoken like it was the first time seeing each other all over again. we could have a thousand conversations about the same thing and each one of those times would be its own entity, a unique version. we have this enduring desire to have each other in our lives, and we’ve felt that desire since the moment we started speaking. i’m your best drug, but you’re my worst addiction.

to think that this second time, we were only an arms length away from making it all a reality, before you had to break my heart all over again a different way.

the length of an arm seems a lot longer to me now.

you rooted yourself into my soul and planted your tree in my heart, prospering through my soil. now, all i can find are the crumbled leaves of dead and broken promises and the wilted roots of something that once gave me life.

i put all of my faith into you, only for you to blow it out like candles on a birthday cake. i gave you the benefit of the doubt and you took advantage of me. though i believe that you never had any bad intentions, the actions that have hurt me beyond words have stemmed from your flawed decisions. intentionally or not, you still broke me. twice.

you’ve sunken our ship with your secrets and poor judgements, thrown the life vest out to sea during the storm and severed the chains of the anchor that once held us down. we’re lost. apart. empty shells of what we once were, trying to make sense of why this world had to ruin us and imprison us as outcasts on deserted islands that are galaxies apart.

three days ago, the very mention of your name made me go crazy. seeing your name pop up on my phone screen multiple times every hour of the day put a genuine, never-disappearing smile on my face. today, i see your face and feel nothing but deep contempt and earth-shattering heartache. the things that i had been feeling for an entire year vanished without a trace, replaced with an endless hollowness just overnight.

meeting you was my cursed blessing. we have been powerful entities imposing massive cosmic events upon each other, but ultimately, the stars we have formed together have died. the moments where we were burning bright in the sky were euphoric magic, billions of sparks flying in the air and illuminating our hearts together. today, i think about the last time i felt that, and it hurts knowing that i wasn’t aware that was the last time i was ever going to feel that with you. it ruins me to know that in this lifetime, we were never meant to thrive, because for a short time, i thought we were going to have a chance.

i’m grasping you, my wolf, by the ears and i’m looking you in the eyes, searching for a sign that will tell me what to do. the harder i search, the less i find, and the longer i drown in my cognitive dissonance. if i let you go, i lose you forever. if i let you stay, you may overstay your welcome, and consume me entirely.

either way, i lose.

–

E.L.

---

author’s note: hello everyone. this piece of writing is incredibly dense, emotional, and the most honest and raw i’ve ever been. it heavily represents all of my feelings about a fucked up situation that i have been enduring and coping with for the past couple days. these words have come from the darkest depths of my soul and the most intimate parts of my heart, and i hope that you can appreciate them and empathize with its place in my world—an important one. thank you for listening. 

sui generis

su·i ge·ne·ris

adjective

1. unique.

 

i often think about how small the odds of us were.

out of seven billion people in this world,

three hundred million in this country,

five million in this state,

one hundred and seven thousand in this city,

and thirty three thousand people at this university,

i met you.

somehow, our paths crossed in the time and space continuum, and the universe willed us to be in each others lives. i think that the odds of us were absolutely not in our favor, and yet, we defied the odds.

i know we can both feel it. the electricity between us is compelling, it’s primal, and it draws us to each other like magnets. despite being away from each other for nine painful months, we found our way back to each other. i told myself in those nine months that we were never meant to be, but the universe is telling me the exact opposite today; i think it’s telling me that we were absolutely meant to be.

and see, that’s the thing: the time we spent apart from each other helped us both grow as people, and learn from our mistakes or from our hardships. without that, i don’t think the bond that we share right now would be anywhere near as unwavering or authentic as it is. with the pain we suffered came the most exhilarating opportunity for us to be what we were always meant to be, and at a whole new level.

it’s amazing how your words hold an unspeakable power over me.

at two thirty a.m. in the night, you’re the most vulnerable, raw, and honest version of yourself, and there is nothing more powerful than knowing and experiencing that. it was only a year ago where prying your thoughts out of your mind was impossible, but now, i’m able to hear you speak to me in the most uncensored way possible. the progress we’ve made in just these few weeks is irrevocably telling.

you told me last night that my influence on you molded you into a better version of yourself. i changed you, and you’re not the same person you were as before you met me. you told me that i am one of the few people in this world that knows you just like the way i do, and you told me that my very existence in your life means the world to you. every word you uttered at two thirty a.m. about how much you value us struck me in the most profound way. the beauty in the effect we have upon one another cannot be accentuated enough. we were born to change each other’s lives.

we’re so, so real. everything about us is genuine, from the unconditional respect and fierce appreciation we have for each other, from the insatiable desire to be near each other at all waking hours of the day, from the ability we have to constantly surprise one another every single day, everything about us is real. there’s just something about you that i can’t get from anyone else in this world. i don’t know what it is, i can’t put it into words, but i know i can feel it. i feel that i need it, just as my body needs oxygen, and i will suffocate without its presence in my life. you are one in seven billion.

your existence conceives the most sui generis impression upon me.

–

E.L.

junkie

there’s something about you that keeps me up at night.

it’s a force of nature that can’t describe, or even really comprehend fully. the things you do to me psychologically make no sense to me, yet at the same time it all feels so right, like it was always meant to be like this. it’s almost like your very existence awakens the insomniac within me, longing for more and more of you. your words break the barriers and flood my system with oxytocin to the point where i can’t think straight. you have that bare effect on me. you enchant me. stimulate me. you thrill me, and every single time i talk to you i can feel the endorphins rush through my veins like i just completed an intense workout. the adrenaline you bring me is simply remarkable. you’re a drug to me. i’m addicted to you. i want to forever be under the influence of you. i don’t ever want to quit you.

i’m a junkie, but only for you.

cosmic

october 6, 2018, 3:18 p.m. | on the bus, passing by [his location]

what you do to me is cosmic.

i’m sitting here in this bus seat, watching these orange and yellow leaves fly off the branches as i pass the bundles of fall-colored trees. the trees outside of your apartment are so beautiful. through this whirlwind of color, all i can think about is you. i’m so close, yet light years away from you.

there’s a certain depth to your effect on me, one that’s scarred me permanently. it’s weird, because i’ve never experienced this feeling before. you’re the first. the first of many things for me. you’re responsible for this single, fundamental revelation in me. its importance can’t ever be overlooked.

there’s something about your words and the way you speak them to me. they hold a raw and uncensored honesty, like each syllable comes from a part of you that only i see. though i feel you vulnerable near me, you’re still guarded, like frosted glass. i see your silhouette through it. i feel you moving behind it. and when you speak across that glass, i hear you clearly, but your voice is distorted. i’ve already broken down your walls, but there’s still more to you, and i know it. i want to see it all. i’m searching for the tool that will break this glass, because i want to know you like nobody ever has. will you help me find that tool?

there’s a primal energy between us. we’re dancing a dangerous tango, perfecting our clever footwork and always challenging each other to the next move. we’re walking on eggshells, and we need to pay close attention to our footsteps. one wrong stride, and we’ll be broken all over again. we don’t want that. we’ve already built a bond that’s so fragile, i don’t think it could withstand another downfall. i’m risking my heart and putting everything on the line for you, for this. i have so much faith in the fact that you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me again. this is a sacrifice i’m taking, and i’m taking it for you.

–

E.L.

limbo

sometimes i wake up and think i’m dreaming when i see your name on my dimly lit phone screen. i spent months dreaming about you, so waking up from a dream and having my prior dreams be a reality is an electrocuting feeling. six days after unlocking the door to my heart and letting you back into my life, it still doesn’t feel real. it fees like i’m living in a different world, a world that i would’ve given anything to live in just half a year ago.

i still listen to my playlist filled with love and heartbreak songs. i started this playlist on december 20th, 2017, just days before i severed the forms of contact i had with you. over the past eight months, i’ve added eighty songs to this playlist, totaling to four hours and forty five minutes of music that i listen to when i’m thinking about you. i think about you a lot. the last song that i added to the playlist was added nine hours ago. this playlist, titled rapture, will forever be a work in progress, no matter where you are or who you are in my life. this playlist saved me. it is a part of my heart now, and alongside this playlist, you’ve seemed to sneak your way back into me.

we’re back to our schedule of talking consistently throughout the whole day. we’re back to you climbing my ladder of snapchat best friends, something that’s incredibly hard to do when you use snapchat to talk to a diverse group of people like me. we’ve arrived to the halfway point of what was normal a year ago, but we’ve halted our steps, fearing what may happen if we go any farther.

now we’re in a limbo. in the middle of what we were before and what we were after. a more or less level playing field, always shifting between who can unbalance the other emotionally using nothing but words. regardless of the dynamic power we have over each other, it’s repressed to the point where we’re floating in an undefined empty space. limbo.

that’s the reality of us right now.

–

E.L.

3:30 pm

they say the eyes are the window to the soul. take a peek inside and you’ll be able to witness a flash of their entire existence, a snippet of their soul. who they really are.

today, that saying has never been more true for me.

i was on the verge of submerging myself into chaos the minutes prior to 3:30 pm. then when i saw you, it was like every single feeling of uncertainty and nervousness was washed away to sea, sinking into the depths of the ocean and disintegrating for good. i forgot instantly how terrifying this moment was supposed to be, and instead, found a certain solace in hearing your voice again.

so we talked. like old times. our conversation was relatively normal, save a few moments of silence, but like always, that silence was never a burden. it blanketed us gently, giving us security in knowing that nearly nothing has changed. despite being two completely different people, we’ll always be comforting presences for one another. some things never, ever change.

your eyes are a dead giveaway. the way you search my face, the way you look at me like you want to remember every detail about me and this moment. even though the gaze is comfortable, reserved and ever so curious, i look into your eyes and i can’t seem to figure them out. they’re an enigma. i can’t figure out what you’re thinking about, but at the same time, i know exactly what you’re feeling. i think it’s because i feel it too.

now that you’re here again, i find myself lost but not lost at the same time. my compass doesn’t work in the presence of you. it never did. there’s a broken mirror between us, shattered and difficult to comprehend, but pieces of the reflection are there. even if we glue the pieces together, i don’t know if we’ll ever be able to heal the destruction our past has created. there will always be cracks in the mirror. the question is whether or not we’ll be able to look past those lines obstructing the view and move on.

for now, the universe has allowed you to be a part of me life once again. fate brought us together once again, and i can’t help but think about how i thought the last page in our book had been written the moment you decided to leave me. i was wrong about that; we were just ending one chapter and beginning a new chapter.

today at 3:30 pm, my life took me on a new path. a path i had restricted myself from going down for the longest time, but a path that i now felt confident in following blindly. you are everywhere around me, silently guiding my conscience, whispering directions into my ear. i’m begging you, please don’t guide me in the wrong direction.

like always, you are accompanying me down a new realm of my existence. i put my blind faith into you, and it will either be the greatest mistake or the greatest fruition of my life.

–

E.L.

smog

uncertainty has been clouding the air in my life for nine months, preventing me from seeing clearly, from seeing  the path i’m to travel down. within the next two days, the smog should clear, and i should see the light. the light of a life with or without you. hopefully this time, the decision is final and the uncertainty should disappear for good. hopefully i won’t suffer anymore. i know that i will suffer temporarily, because i can’t win with you. i lose either way. but hopefully, our fate will be decided upon, and we can put the past to rest.

i’m scared. i’m really, really scared. there’s a deep pit in my stomach that i can’t get rid of. i’m scared of the uncertainty, and i’m scared because the last time i ever looked into your eyes was ten months ago. i’m scared that i don’t know who you are anymore, i’m scared that i am completely unaware of what’s going to happen.

two days.

until then, you’ll remain the only thing that i can think about, lingering in my mind as i attempt to keep the rest of the components of my life in check.

despite being scared of the fact that i don’t know who you are anymore, some things never change. you’ve always known how to derail me.