about last night

to the boy i love,

i spent seven hours with you last night. we went to my favorite fast food restaurant, and you suggested it because you know how much i’ve been craving it lately. you know me pretty fucking well. then we went to the mall and wandered aimlessly through the shops with video game and TV show merchandise, joking and talking about everything and anything. i love that i can do that with you, have conversations that go on for such long periods of time over seemingly meaningless or absurd topics. i love how much you intellectually stimulate me, like how you make my mind race, but also how it’s a completely effortless task. i think my quirky sense of humor really peaks when i’m around you, and i love that the weird jokes that i make are able to make you laugh so hard that you squeeze your eyes shut and throw your head back. i love how you look when you laugh like that, completely carefree and utterly amused by my words.

then we saw the shopping cart. then you told me to get in. then, we made fools out of ourselves while you pushed me around the parking lot, laughing about how we’re imitating a feature in the video game fortnite. a couple times, i almost fell out of the cart, but each time you never failed to rush to save me. the looks we got from strangers were worth the ridiculous experience. i love that i can be a complete idiot with you in public, doing the dorkiest things just for our own enjoyment. i love that there’s never a dull moment with you.

then we sat in my car, and we talked about us. we’re complicated. it’s the world against us, but somehow, we’re managing to beat the odds.

i’m sorry i can’t articulate my feelings well. i know it drives you crazy, i know it makes you question the whys and the hows, i know you want me to speak my mind freely when i’m with you. truth be told, it’s hard for me to say some things to you because i don’t know how i’m supposed to say them. these feelings that i have for you are so foreign and cherished to me, i don’t know if words can even do them justice. that’s what i’m afraid of. i’m afraid of the words coming out of my mouth misrepresenting everything i truly feel for you. just know that if you give me time, you’ll know everything. i don’t mean to leave you in the dark, but my feelings for you are the best feelings i’ve ever experienced in my entire lifetime. with everything we’ve been through, that i’ve been through, it’s going to take some patience on your end and some courage on my end. we’ll figure it out someday though, don’t you worry.

when it got cold, you reached over to hug me, your arms wrapping around me so tightly and your cheek pressed against mine. we spent the rest of the night cuddling in my car, despite the setting not being the most ideal for cuddling. you were so uncomfortable the entire time, but you didn’t care, because it made me warmer and more comfortable. i love when you rub little circles or patterns on my arm, my side, my hand, or wherever you’re holding me. i love how you randomly kiss my head and play with my hair. everything you do when you’re holding me means everything to me. i love when you randomly look down at me and that stupid, stupid little grin appears on your face, and then you tell me how pretty i am for the nth time that night. you make me feel so safe, so at ease, and so incredibly happy. the way our night ended only reinforced the feelings we have for each other, fortifying them to the point where they are simply indestructible. we’re past the point of leaving each other again without a fight.

i didn’t want to ever leave your side. when we finally managed to tear our bodies apart from one another, i felt an empty space in my heart. you are a part of me now, i hope you know that.

i went home smelling like you. i couldn’t wipe my own stupid grin off my face the entire drive back. in the past year of knowing you, theres no doubt to me that last night has been my favorite memory so far. i’ll never forget the way you made me feel.

i hope you know that you bring out the best in me. you once told me that i bring out the best in you. i think we were destined to be in each others lives. just weeks ago, we were hanging onto an edge of complete uncertainty. we were at a tipping point, dangerously slipping off of that edge, but somehow, i found myself here. still in your life. you still in mine. so much can change with just time, and i hope you recognize that. you’re so one of a kind, an absolute anomaly in my life, and i know that we’ll beat these odds. i’m ready to tackle them, if you are too.

with all of my heart,

the girl that you love