junkie

there’s something about you that keeps me up at night.

it’s a force of nature that can’t describe, or even really comprehend fully. the things you do to me psychologically make no sense to me, yet at the same time it all feels so right, like it was always meant to be like this. it’s almost like your very existence awakens the insomniac within me, longing for more and more of you. your words break the barriers and flood my system with oxytocin to the point where i can’t think straight. you have that bare effect on me. you enchant me. stimulate me. you thrill me, and every single time i talk to you i can feel the endorphins rush through my veins like i just completed an intense workout. the adrenaline you bring me is simply remarkable. you’re a drug to me. i’m addicted to you. i want to forever be under the influence of you. i don’t ever want to quit you.

i’m a junkie, but only for you.

the remnants of you

there are people in this world that will leave a permanent impression upon your life. they will change you in ways you never could’ve imagined, they will make you feel new feelings that you never knew existed, they will plant themselves into your soul and their roots will never disappear from your soil. without a doubt, there is a person in this world that is capable of dealing such catastrophe to your existence.

for me, that person was him. 

i’m only 19; i had absolutely no idea that he would turn my world upside down. i never intended on letting him be that person, but i would quickly learn to realize that it’s not my decision to make. it’ll never be your decision to make. we can’t pick and choose who gets to affect us to this degree; that’s what makes us so vulnerable. these kinds of people tend to walk into your existence by accident, and you don’t realize just how crucial they are to your human experience until they set off a cosmic explosion in your stars. they form a galaxy in your universe, and then in just a blink of an eye, everything is different.

they may stay, they may drift, they may leave, but their impression won’t budge. it stays pressed into your being, delicately altering your chemistry. they are someone completely and utterly unique, and you will feel it in your gut. everything will feel like a dream when you are with them. it’s utter bliss, completely serene.

if you’re lucky, these people will never leave. they will burn bright and give you the light you need to flourish. but some of us are not that lucky, unfortunately, and we have to learn to deal with the absence of them. i was one of the unlucky ones. when he left, i wilted and decomposed, drifting among the unknown. he’s gone, and when given the opportunity to reconnect, i chose to never let him in again. it was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

but you have to trust your gut, and trust the world, because you have to have faith that there are others like him in this world like him. maybe not just like him, but just enough like him to cause another big bang. it’s blind instinct and pure risk.

even though he’s gone, shards of his words are cemented into my heart and flashes of the feelings he gave me pulse across my veins. he still affects me in inexplicable ways, nearly a year later.

there are remnants of him in my soul, and there always will be.

–

E.L.

everlasting flux

we glide through our lives in a blur, blissfully ignorant to the fact that we’re passing by valuable memories without appreciating them for their worth. we are unaware of the fact that each and every second that we experience is unique to itself, and virtually impossible to re-create. though we are conscious beings, we seem to live in the unconscious; unaware of the fact that there are all of these precious moments all around us, all the time. we never realize just how much we should value these moments as we live through them, until they’re gone; it only becomes a conscious thought when we reminisce by looking at old photos and reading through old text messages, and it’s only then when we truly appreciate the high points in our lives like we should. like the sand in an hourglass running out, we let these memories slip out of our reach, and the sadness of the bitter reality hits us like a train wreck. but it’s only after the fact; it’s too late when we look in the past. all we can do now is wish for more memories like such to come our way, and to hope that we truly grasp their meaning before they become nothing but old memories.

 

–

E.L.

oblivion.

side note // just found this poem on my laptop and i really liked it so, here it is

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01/29/16 ; 10:20 p.m.

we’re wandering these desolated plains, fields of tension, uncertainty, complexity, and as time goes on, we get lost farther and farther into this ghost town—slowly drifting from the people we once were. static noise on the other end of the screen makes me wonder how far we’re really come in such a short amount of time, as if we’re traveling at the speed of light, in completely different dimensions by now. broken trust and late night regrets stain my mind, tainting its once satiated state, but now the dullness leaves me feeling half dead and half alive. i’m seeing everything in gray scale, and as each day passes the colors start to appear slowly, returning back to normal, but there is still a place in my wounded heart that won’t turn back to its vibrant hues until i receive solitude, until my sense of humanity appears once more. we’re losing our minds, our seamless charisma, something we worked so hard to build, all crumbling down in a matter of seconds. picking up the pieces and rebuilding this haven is harder than it seems, but for a pessimist, i’m pretty optimistic.

10:41 p.m.

–

E.L.