about last night

to the boy i love,

i spent seven hours with you last night. we went to my favorite fast food restaurant, and you suggested it because you know how much i’ve been craving it lately. you know me pretty fucking well. then we went to the mall and wandered aimlessly through the shops with video game and TV show merchandise, joking and talking about everything and anything. i love that i can do that with you, have conversations that go on for such long periods of time over seemingly meaningless or absurd topics. i love how much you intellectually stimulate me, like how you make my mind race, but also how it’s a completely effortless task. i think my quirky sense of humor really peaks when i’m around you, and i love that the weird jokes that i make are able to make you laugh so hard that you squeeze your eyes shut and throw your head back. i love how you look when you laugh like that, completely carefree and utterly amused by my words.

then we saw the shopping cart. then you told me to get in. then, we made fools out of ourselves while you pushed me around the parking lot, laughing about how we’re imitating a feature in the video game fortnite. a couple times, i almost fell out of the cart, but each time you never failed to rush to save me. the looks we got from strangers were worth the ridiculous experience. i love that i can be a complete idiot with you in public, doing the dorkiest things just for our own enjoyment. i love that there’s never a dull moment with you.

then we sat in my car, and we talked about us. we’re complicated. it’s the world against us, but somehow, we’re managing to beat the odds.

i’m sorry i can’t articulate my feelings well. i know it drives you crazy, i know it makes you question the whys and the hows, i know you want me to speak my mind freely when i’m with you. truth be told, it’s hard for me to say some things to you because i don’t know how i’m supposed to say them. these feelings that i have for you are so foreign and cherished to me, i don’t know if words can even do them justice. that’s what i’m afraid of. i’m afraid of the words coming out of my mouth misrepresenting everything i truly feel for you. just know that if you give me time, you’ll know everything. i don’t mean to leave you in the dark, but my feelings for you are the best feelings i’ve ever experienced in my entire lifetime. with everything we’ve been through, that i’ve been through, it’s going to take some patience on your end and some courage on my end. we’ll figure it out someday though, don’t you worry.

when it got cold, you reached over to hug me, your arms wrapping around me so tightly and your cheek pressed against mine. we spent the rest of the night cuddling in my car, despite the setting not being the most ideal for cuddling. you were so uncomfortable the entire time, but you didn’t care, because it made me warmer and more comfortable. i love when you rub little circles or patterns on my arm, my side, my hand, or wherever you’re holding me. i love how you randomly kiss my head and play with my hair. everything you do when you’re holding me means everything to me. i love when you randomly look down at me and that stupid, stupid little grin appears on your face, and then you tell me how pretty i am for the nth time that night. you make me feel so safe, so at ease, and so incredibly happy. the way our night ended only reinforced the feelings we have for each other, fortifying them to the point where they are simply indestructible. we’re past the point of leaving each other again without a fight.

i didn’t want to ever leave your side. when we finally managed to tear our bodies apart from one another, i felt an empty space in my heart. you are a part of me now, i hope you know that.

i went home smelling like you. i couldn’t wipe my own stupid grin off my face the entire drive back. in the past year of knowing you, theres no doubt to me that last night has been my favorite memory so far. i’ll never forget the way you made me feel.

i hope you know that you bring out the best in me. you once told me that i bring out the best in you. i think we were destined to be in each others lives. just weeks ago, we were hanging onto an edge of complete uncertainty. we were at a tipping point, dangerously slipping off of that edge, but somehow, i found myself here. still in your life. you still in mine. so much can change with just time, and i hope you recognize that. you’re so one of a kind, an absolute anomaly in my life, and i know that we’ll beat these odds. i’m ready to tackle them, if you are too.

with all of my heart,

the girl that you love

the aftermath

our start: 09.16.17

our fall: 12.26.17

your return: 08.29.18

our salvation: 09.28.18

our end: 10.24.18

the aftermath: today

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i fell in love with you. you fell in love with me.

what went wrong?

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you lost me forever last wednesday night, and i lost you forever last night.

the aftermath of our final fall from grace could not be anymore devastating. we’ve been playing a game of tug of war for the past year, trading off who dominates the higher ground in this beyond complicated relationship. the stakes have elevated higher and higher with each time the victor in the game is reversed, and the consequences have disoriented our hearts and broken our dreams.

we were never on the same wavelength. in the end, we arrived at the same destination, but our timelines have never matched up. i knew from the very start that you would be my one in a million, but it took you far too long to have that epiphany. by the time you got there, ready to accept what’s been in front of you for so long, i was already lightyears away.

the remains of our perfect world are buried behind the burning hot coals of your amateur mistakes, your calamitous lies, my hopeless naïveté, and our ill luck. reaching into the flames to save those remains is too dangerous—though they are alive still, being protected by the warmth of the flames, if we attempt at salvaging them, we would only be burned alive further.

you said that i will forever be your greatest mistake. you had a million chances to capture me, but you missed every single one of those chances. how we were cursed with such misfortune is beyond my comprehension, and i will never understand why the world had to pry us apart with its bloody steel claws.

the aftermath is ugly. we are standing alone in a desolate wasteland, holding onto each other for dear life, despite knowing that it is not the right thing to do. you won’t ever stop longing for me, and i won’t ever stop needing you. together, we are a cataclysm, cannibalizing ourselves as we pursue the most treacherous path in this aftermath.

and yet, i trust myself enough to steer my wits through this jungle of a forbidden us. the aftermath is barren, leaving us as carcasses of who we once were, but i will fight my way through it for you.

–

E.L.

AURIBUS TENEO LUPUM

“ I HOLD A WOLF BY THE EARS ”

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to hold a wolf by the ears provides an unresolvable challenge. it means that whichever way you choose to handle a particularly difficult situation, you will be faced with a dilemma, one where there is no correct solution. it occurs in a space between a rock and a hard place: the inevitable is that there are hardships to be encountered down both paths.

you are the wolf in my life.

if i am to hold onto your ears after conquering you, i will be left with a void in my life and a dangerous black hole filled with all of the memories we once cherished and shared. if i am to hold onto your ears as a companion, i risk my very own sanity, the durability of my heart, and i make the conscious decision to turn a blind eye to the path that would ultimately lead me to my own wellbeing.

the connection we share is far from superficial. you’ve shown me your soul, entrusted me with your demons, and allowed me to see you at your absolute lowest and at your best. i am the only person in this world that sees you as a whole, rather than just the parts of you that you choose to show the world. i’ve influenced you enough to morph you into a better version of yourself, and i’ve helped shined a light on the things that you need to change to fix your flaws.

i am the best thing that’s ever happened to you. i have given you the whole world, but in return, you have only given me ashes.

the thought of us used to thrill me, exhilarate me beyond my capacity. we were born to excite each other, to keep each other wanting more and more every single passing day, to amaze one another with every word spoken like it was the first time seeing each other all over again. we could have a thousand conversations about the same thing and each one of those times would be its own entity, a unique version. we have this enduring desire to have each other in our lives, and we’ve felt that desire since the moment we started speaking. i’m your best drug, but you’re my worst addiction.

to think that this second time, we were only an arms length away from making it all a reality, before you had to break my heart all over again a different way.

the length of an arm seems a lot longer to me now.

you rooted yourself into my soul and planted your tree in my heart, prospering through my soil. now, all i can find are the crumbled leaves of dead and broken promises and the wilted roots of something that once gave me life.

i put all of my faith into you, only for you to blow it out like candles on a birthday cake. i gave you the benefit of the doubt and you took advantage of me. though i believe that you never had any bad intentions, the actions that have hurt me beyond words have stemmed from your flawed decisions. intentionally or not, you still broke me. twice.

you’ve sunken our ship with your secrets and poor judgements, thrown the life vest out to sea during the storm and severed the chains of the anchor that once held us down. we’re lost. apart. empty shells of what we once were, trying to make sense of why this world had to ruin us and imprison us as outcasts on deserted islands that are galaxies apart.

three days ago, the very mention of your name made me go crazy. seeing your name pop up on my phone screen multiple times every hour of the day put a genuine, never-disappearing smile on my face. today, i see your face and feel nothing but deep contempt and earth-shattering heartache. the things that i had been feeling for an entire year vanished without a trace, replaced with an endless hollowness just overnight.

meeting you was my cursed blessing. we have been powerful entities imposing massive cosmic events upon each other, but ultimately, the stars we have formed together have died. the moments where we were burning bright in the sky were euphoric magic, billions of sparks flying in the air and illuminating our hearts together. today, i think about the last time i felt that, and it hurts knowing that i wasn’t aware that was the last time i was ever going to feel that with you. it ruins me to know that in this lifetime, we were never meant to thrive, because for a short time, i thought we were going to have a chance.

i’m grasping you, my wolf, by the ears and i’m looking you in the eyes, searching for a sign that will tell me what to do. the harder i search, the less i find, and the longer i drown in my cognitive dissonance. if i let you go, i lose you forever. if i let you stay, you may overstay your welcome, and consume me entirely.

either way, i lose.

–

E.L.

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author’s note: hello everyone. this piece of writing is incredibly dense, emotional, and the most honest and raw i’ve ever been. it heavily represents all of my feelings about a fucked up situation that i have been enduring and coping with for the past couple days. these words have come from the darkest depths of my soul and the most intimate parts of my heart, and i hope that you can appreciate them and empathize with its place in my world—an important one. thank you for listening. 

sui generis

su·i ge·ne·ris

adjective

1. unique.

 

i often think about how small the odds of us were.

out of seven billion people in this world,

three hundred million in this country,

five million in this state,

one hundred and seven thousand in this city,

and thirty three thousand people at this university,

i met you.

somehow, our paths crossed in the time and space continuum, and the universe willed us to be in each others lives. i think that the odds of us were absolutely not in our favor, and yet, we defied the odds.

i know we can both feel it. the electricity between us is compelling, it’s primal, and it draws us to each other like magnets. despite being away from each other for nine painful months, we found our way back to each other. i told myself in those nine months that we were never meant to be, but the universe is telling me the exact opposite today; i think it’s telling me that we were absolutely meant to be.

and see, that’s the thing: the time we spent apart from each other helped us both grow as people, and learn from our mistakes or from our hardships. without that, i don’t think the bond that we share right now would be anywhere near as unwavering or authentic as it is. with the pain we suffered came the most exhilarating opportunity for us to be what we were always meant to be, and at a whole new level.

it’s amazing how your words hold an unspeakable power over me.

at two thirty a.m. in the night, you’re the most vulnerable, raw, and honest version of yourself, and there is nothing more powerful than knowing and experiencing that. it was only a year ago where prying your thoughts out of your mind was impossible, but now, i’m able to hear you speak to me in the most uncensored way possible. the progress we’ve made in just these few weeks is irrevocably telling.

you told me last night that my influence on you molded you into a better version of yourself. i changed you, and you’re not the same person you were as before you met me. you told me that i am one of the few people in this world that knows you just like the way i do, and you told me that my very existence in your life means the world to you. every word you uttered at two thirty a.m. about how much you value us struck me in the most profound way. the beauty in the effect we have upon one another cannot be accentuated enough. we were born to change each other’s lives.

we’re so, so real. everything about us is genuine, from the unconditional respect and fierce appreciation we have for each other, from the insatiable desire to be near each other at all waking hours of the day, from the ability we have to constantly surprise one another every single day, everything about us is real. there’s just something about you that i can’t get from anyone else in this world. i don’t know what it is, i can’t put it into words, but i know i can feel it. i feel that i need it, just as my body needs oxygen, and i will suffocate without its presence in my life. you are one in seven billion.

your existence conceives the most sui generis impression upon me.

–

E.L.